Category Archives: death

A Rose to the Living is Better Than…

need to make time for relatives, friends and colleagues

One of the saddest things that occurs when individuals grow old is the loneliness that engulfs them much of the time. This loneliness can be attributed, in part, to some or all of their children and grandchildren living overseas or in other cities far from home.

There is an 82-year-old widow living all alone in Petaling Jaya and her three adult children have chosen to live in the United Kingdom. She struggles with the chores and issues of daily living. For instance, she has to drive to the nearby market which is fairly congested on most days, twice a week, go up the steep ramp to park her car in a parking bay, and then walk down the steps to the wet market.

Challenge of Living Alone for Senior Individuals

What makes it all the more difficult for her is that once the marketing is over, she finds it difficult to get help to carry the goods up two flights of steps.  At one time, she was able to get a foreign worker ( a stall assistant ) to assist her. This is not always possible these days.

Are the adult children of this widow unaware of her predicament? This is not likely the case. They have grown up to be selfish and indifferent. Filial piety has been unceremoniously jettisoned.

Another cause of such loneliness is that relatives, former colleagues and friends do not seem to have time for these senior citizens. They are far too busy leading hectic lives and are often saddled with multiple responsibilities that drain their energy and focus.

Loneliness for Senior Citizens is a Huge Problem

One senior citizen, George now in his 87th year, confided to me recently that most of his good friends and former colleagues have passed on. He feels their absence profoundly. He is in relatively good health although he has some breathing difficulties from time to time because he used to be a heavy smoker for years.

He is also careful with his food intake because he suffers from some recurring problems with his digestive system. He was, however, pleased to inform me that he has enjoyed getting his regular pension payments for more years than he had actually served the government. Well, that is thanks in part to advances in modern medicine.

Financially Secure but Loneliness still Sucks

There are also some senior citizens who are deeply regretting the choices they made whilst they were young, healthy and in an exciting career pathway or business situation. They chose to focus far too much on their jobs or businesses to the extent that they had literally no time for the family. They were enjoying their career progression, their business successes and their golf outings far too much to bother about their family.

And as a result, the family grew apart from that individual. To his credit, James did support the family financially. He gave his wife, a golf widow, a generous monthly allowance and he paid for his children’s education up to university level. He also provided them with many creature comforts and holidays.

But he did not bother or care to cultivate their love and affection. The wife who was ignored and forgotten then developed her own circle of friends and took to gambling in a serious way.

Now the Family Have No Time for Him

Now in his mid-seventies, with few sincere friends and not in the best of health, he has tried belatedly to get close to his wife but has met with little success. He has also tried to reach out to his children, all grown up and successful. They have remained courteous and respectful but distant in terms of any emotional bonding.

In a not so strange twist of fate, they now do not seem to have time for him.

He has sadly confessed to some close friends how he wished he could turn the clock back and make amends.

Cultivating Friendships is a Two-Way Process

Some individuals who pretend to be friends with you easily forget that cultivating friendship is a two-way process. Both parties must want that friendship and both parties must be prepared to invest in that relationship for it to grow, prosper and bloom.

If only one party is making all the effort and the other is only reaping the benefits of that friendship, then that so called friendship will not last long.

I know of one so-called friend who consistently invites me to visit him at his home but never makes the effort to reciprocate. He always trots out the same, silly excuse for not visiting me………….he has no car!

This person is financially well off, assets and cash wise, and can easily afford a car but chooses to sponge on others for lifts and transport all the time. He pretends to be a pauper because he does not want to spend money on a bus, LRT or taxi. He is, however, prepared to burden someone else with the chore of providing him with a lift.

He only telephones me when he needs something done or to give me some news. I certainly do not consider him a friend but a mere acquaintance.

La Sallians Show the Way

Old boys of La Salle schools throughout Malaysia show the way in this regard. These venerable institutions like St Xavier’s in Penang, St Francis in Malacca, St Michael’s in Ipoh, St George’s in Taiping, St John’s in KL and St Paul’s in Seremban have very active old boys’ associations. Even smaller La Salle schools like La Salle Brickfields Secondary School in Kuala Lumpur, for instance, are no laggards in this matter.

Increasingly, these old boys make strenuous and regular efforts to stay in touch with their classmates and schoolmates. What is even more remarkable is that often they invite their former teachers to join in the dinner meetings and gatherings.

These old boys, now in their sixties and La Sallians to the core, cherish their carefree, school going days and the camaraderie that they used to enjoy in that halcyon period. What is the secret to this phenomenon?

It must surely be the unique ethos, traditions and culture of these La Sallian institutions. Many have ‘ graduated ‘ from being mere classmates and schoolmates to being firm friends by choice. These old boys meet at least three or four times each year to renew, sustain and nourish their friendship. That alone speaks volumes about what it means to be a true friend. Staying in regular touch is one sure way to show that you care.

A Rose to the Living is Better than……

I would like to share with you a nugget of distilled wisdom from Nixon Waterman. A senior citizen I know very well used to often mention this meaningful quote when she was talking about relatives and friends who have forgotten about visiting her.

She used to lament: What is the point of coming for my funeral or sending a beautiful wreath when I am gone?

Don’t they know that:

‘A Rose to the Living is more
than sumptuous wreaths to the dead
A Rose to the Living is more
if graciously given before
the hungry spirit is fled’

That brief quote says it all and that too quite poignantly.

Let us all, collectively and with determination, make an effort to invest in relationships, visit friends especially senior citizens and others living alone. Let us strive to bring comfort, joy and solace to these individuals who are going through a difficult journey.

 

Like a Thief in the Stillness of the Night

When the truly unexpected occurs

On 27 December 2016, I received a telephone call at about 11.30am from an old friend who I have known for more than fifty years. David ( not his real name ) seemed to be very emotional and had some difficulty speaking coherently on the phone and I had trouble understanding him. Sensing his difficulty, his wife, Rosemary (not her real name ) took over the phone and informed me in a matter of fact manner that their eldest son, aged 38, had unexpectedly passed away that morning! It took a while for the devastating news to register.

No one ever prepares you to receive such unexpected, shocking and distressing news.

It is my belief, and that of many others too I am sure, that no parent anywhere in the world, should suffer the cruel and heartbreaking fate of having to bury a child. It is not in the natural order of things.

A Loving and Successful Family

This is a loving and successful family in every sense of the word. The father is a Malaysian Indian and was a prominent trade union official. He used to work for a well-known British plantation company in Kuala Lumpur and rose over the years to a senior administrative position.

He was also a respected union official both within the union as well as by the company itself. He had travelled to many countries on union business during his active years. He was also a responsible family man and a truly filial son to his parents. One of his uncles served as a parish priest in Penang for over 60 years and a nephew of his is a priest in Tamil Nadu, India.

The mother, a Malaysian Chinese originally from Malacca, was a secretary with a Malaysian bank for many years. Even after retirement, she continued to work for a law firm and is still very active in voluntary work.

She is a convert to Catholicism and today serves on a number of church committees.

Rosemary takes her faith seriously and regularly attends retreats locally as well as in India and the Philippines. She too comes from a big and close family.

Three Professionals Emerged

They have three children, two sons and a daughter. They provided a loving, conducive and nurturing environment and encouraged their children to excel. In the process, they made many personal sacrifices so that their children could succeed in school and university.

To their great credit, all three children rose to the occasion and became fully fledged professionals. The eldest son became an engineer, the second child, the daughter became a doctor and the youngest also graduated as an engineer. Both sons worked abroad… one in Newcastle, England and the eldest one ( the individual who passed away suddenly ) was based in Dubai. The daughter works in Kuala Lumpur.

What Actually Happened

The eldest son had gone out with a few friends to catch up on old times and to have a jolly good session at a restaurant in Bangsar, Kuala Lumpur. He returned home in the wee hours of the morning, at roughly 2.00 am, informed his French wife that he was tired and that he was going to hit the sack. Those were his last words.

The next morning, the family understandingly let him sleep for some time. At about 10.00 am, his wife went to wake him up. She tried her best but he did not respond. She thought his body felt cold and then immediately gave him CPR. At the same time, she shouted out for her mother in law. When the mother in law arrived, the wife simply said: He is gone! The mother in law retorted: What do you mean, he is gone?  It then dawned on them that sometime during the night, her son / her husband had tragically passed away.

It is not how long we get to live but more importantly how we choose to live that matters in the end.

They then went about calling for assistance. A number of the son’s close friends responded promptly and stepped forward to render assistance to the grieving family. First, the doctor daughter/sister had to come and ascertain the nature of the problem and to confirm the matter. Next, someone had to make a police report on the sudden demise of this relatively young man. Once the police officers came, they took the body away to the hospital for a post mortem. This is a standard procedure in such cases. It was all happening much too fast and the family was still in a state of disbelief and shock.

Some Incredible & Intriguing Facts

  1. The eldest son had not been back to his parents’ home for Christmas for four years. I believe he had some sort of premonition, desire or urge to return to his roots. He had initially worked in the United Kingdom before being posted to the Dubai office of an MNC. He chose to return last Christmas to be with his family. That surely is a blessing.
  2. He passed away in the family home where he grew up, was nurtured and was given the right values in life. He was back in familiar surroundings and when he did pass away, it was in the family home. He did not pass away alone in some foreign, distant land.
  3. His two close friends and his Scottish boss who flew down to Kuala Lumpur for the funeral service gave heart-warming eulogies extolling his fine qualities as an individual, as a friend and as a professional. His younger brother gave a eulogy describing him as a brother who truly cared. These eulogies spoke volumes about the man and the son/brother he was.
  4. The church service was packed with relatives, friends and colleagues. More than four hundred people were present. That, in itself, says a lot about the young man and the family.
  5. The funeral service was con-celebrated by five religious personalities: three priests, an archbishop emeritus and Malaysia’s recently ordained cardinal. That was indeed a high honour.

Where Do We Go From Here?

It is never easy to bear such a heavy cross! It is doubly hard for aged parents to have to deal with the loss of a child, especially a brilliant one with a most promising career. We have, however, been repeatedly told that death sometimes comes like ‘a thief in the stillness of the night’. And it was decidedly so in this case.

I believe we have to live our lives with this admonition always in mind. It is not how long we get to live but more importantly how we choose to live that matters in the end.

Have we kept the faith?  Have we been true to family and friends? Have we set aside time for our families? Not just immediate families but also extended families.

Whilst during our careers we naturally strive for success, let us remember that once we have passed that stage, it is time for us to move on to the next and better stage… the stage of significance.

Have we willingly and regularly shared some of our blessings with the less fortunate? Have we been big enough to forgive those who have hurt us, intentionally or otherwise?  These are some questions that we have to wrestle with honestly and in all sincerity.

Be a Blessing to Others

If we do answer these questions, then when the time comes for us to leave this world, we will not have any misgivings. We can go quietly and peacefully in the stillness of the night, knowing that we had tried to do our very best.

Whilst during our careers we naturally strive for success, let us remember that once we have passed that stage, it is time for us to move on to the next and better stage… the stage of significance.

This is that golden time and that phase in our lives to use our experience, knowledge, skills and expertise if any, to help others. We should carry out this assistance in a quiet manner, without fanfare and in all sincerity. In doing so, like best-selling author Bob Buford says, we become a blessing to others. This is the real source of that elusive significance.